Most people in the US have a religion. Some align with it because it resonates with their heart and soul, others do so out of respect for family and/or tradition, some out of fear, and some just roll with the flow of what's expected of them. For a lot of people the practice is about sprituality and being a part of something greater than themselves, for others it's about routine and familiarity and for some it's both. For many people who practice it's deeply meaningful and central to their identity. So what is it like when you don't identify with one?
We went to a Congregational church that was somewhat Unitarian-ish in it's style. It was based in Christian principles, but there were open discussions of other ideas and concepts back then. As a child we learned the routine things to say when upstairs with the adults and sang along with the hymn book. I remember looking at the grownups around me when I was around 7 or 8 and deciding that I was going to stop saying them because I had memorized the words and that I'd wait to say them again until I fully understood what they meant. I didn't mind routine, but what I really wanted was an understanding of the meaning. We got to do traditional advent traditions, had magical sounding choir singers, and the somewhat unusual (for christian practices) celebration of seder dinners in our communion hall. I found sitting still upstairs, for a whole hour quite challenging, so I jumped on the opportunity to help out in the nursery or with the children's Sunday school. I loved kids and it meant that we got to go downstairs after 15 minutes of sermon and a brief children's lesson. The funny part was, I never did say the prayers out loud again (but I did my part in mouthing the words if I caught another adult looking at me)
When I was in elementary school, one of my closest friends Marcia was Jewish and her family was generous enough to invite me over for their family's Hanukkah celebration. I always appreciate their willing to share their family traditions and her mom's kindness in learning about their traditions. I remember the warmth and joy they had as a family and the loveliness of the ceremonies they did together.
We lived in a predominantly Catholic town and I knew that a lot of the other families went to more classes than I did. I felt a little left out of CCD and first communion, but when I asked the other kids about it, I didn't get any information other than who they sat next to and who joked around with who or how much they didn't want to go. When I did sleepovers at friends houses, their families occasionally brought me to their churches. When there I tried to listen and learn.
My grandparents were Methodist and, like the Catholic Churches, their church's cathedral had a grand hall with a powerful organ and pews filled with people of all different backgrounds. I loved being there and appreciating the grandeur and their friends who were such welcoming and kind people. Huge bonus was that it had two bowling lanes in the basement that were named after my grandfather at the time. I was told that it was because he was the only one who knew how to fix them.
As I got older, I started to read some books about Buddhism and a lot of the principles and philosophy really resonated. I learned a lot from the practices and incorporated it into my everyday life. Growing up I learned a bit about the Native American practices and their harmony with nature and the universe made so much sense. I joined a jewish sorority during the two years I went to college at Hofstra because the friends I made freshman year did too and I very much appreciated the sense of belonging and that I didn't once realize that I could technically be considered an outsider during my time with them.
As I entered adulthood, I read up upon Hinduism, Islam and Sikhism to better understand the beliefs and traditions. I was glad I did because my exposure had been limited throughout childhood and as I entered the workplace, I wanted to understand the holidays that various coworkers celebrated and be respectful of their traditions as well.
I occasionally felt this societal pressure to align myself with one team. The truth was that I valued the opportunity to learn from all the teams and didn't find one that felt singularly correct and authentic for me personally. I always figured I'd align with the right one for me once I found it, but nothing ever seemed to fit like a glove. I appreciate living in a country where all of the religions around us contribute to the culture and fabric of our lives. I also recognize how fortunate I am that I have the freedom to make that choice as many people do not.
Nearly all of my experiences were quite positive, lightheartedly putting aside any occasional boredom or confusing rituals that I didn't fully understand. But as I continued to reflect on my experiences, I remember receiving a religious book when I was in early elementary school from a relative who was in a different religious denomination as a kid and there was a Q&A in it saying something like "Q: My friend David is Jewish, what do I do? A: You must tell David about our lord and savior Jesus." (!!??!!). Even though I was a young and relatively conformist kid, I threw the book across the room and never read another page. I was angered at how unfair that was to Marcia and her family and their beautiful religion. What was wrong with them practicing what they value and what is beautiful to them?
It was my first glimpse into how, even when well-intentioned, religion could polarize. Over time I came to learn about how many wars were started over beliefs, the ethical implications of large scale conversion efforts, about how radicalization can provoke extreme interpretations, how philosophies can evolve, how church leaders encircled the wagons to protect perpetrators rather than the children they professed to love, what was once central to a practice is now banned, how some people can use religious tenets to justify beliefs that aren't actually aligned with those religions. On a personal front, I remember talking to a friend who went to church every Sunday, but would talk to me about all of the ways she disagreed with her religion. When I asked her why she went she admitted that it was because she was afraid she was going to hell if she didn't and she went as a protective measure. I knew that nothing I could say would change her relatively innocuous fear based choices, but it saddened me to think that she was collectively going to spend months of her life doing something as a hedge and that she was passing that fear based habit onto her children while I was free to volunteer my time as I often did around that time or be out in nature
As with all things, religion is not all good or all bad. When grounded in love and community, it can be beautiful and truly harmonious with the light that guides it. It can provide emotional or material support when people need it and a sense of belonging. It can give back in large ways and help people who need it. It can give people guiding principles to lean on and learn from. The traditions and ceremonies can be beautiful, deeply meaningful and carry on for generations and centuries.
When grounded in fear, control, or in a quest for money or power, it can be a wolf in sheep's clothing that slowly erodes the veil it hides behind. It can be a place where people give away their autonomy and power in hopes of life's answers being simplified and pre-defined for them, it can prevent people from finding their uniqueness and their own spiritual knowings. In its worst forms, power and money can corrupt. It can exploit and the power and money has, at times, been used to control or exploit, rather than to benefit the greater good.
It can be a force for peace or a force for conflict. It can empower and help people be their best selves or it can exclude, cause harm or worse. Fair and unfair practices , misconceptions and criticisms are abundant across the board. The religious landscape continues to evolve and trends change over time. I am thankful that we live in a society where people are able to practice what works for them and for a lot of people, it is a healthy relationship and it works well. While there has been much debate and litigation over what exactly that means and looks like. I am also thankful that it's also acceptable to not choose. On the one hand, there is no clear external roadmap, but on the other, it's freeing to not have one singular "correct" answer or be bound by "should's" that aren't authentic for me.
As I watch the world around me, I continue to learn from others and appreciate the richness that so many different experiences and practices bring to all of our lives. I also continue to be agnostic: believing in a power far greater than us and a universe that is far too complex for us to even begin to understand. I am in awe of nature, the systems sustained within it, the energy from the living beings on it. As I get older, I learn more about the energy of the moon, the sun and the stars that makes its way to earth. The universe, the natural world and our collective humanity is my religion. I am moved greatly by immersing myself in nature and find it inspiring and powerful. I do believe in the purposefulness of our lives and in something more intelligent than ourselves. I try to honor the body that this life force gave me. I still read up on and learn from the teachings of others and try to meditate daily. I'm most guided by the close attention I pay to what I sense and feel around me, by intuition, by the insights that come to me and by factoring in what is most in alignment with the greater good. Based on recent research, I'm in a very small minority (5%), which is fine by me. And don't worry: I'm not trying to convert anyone. ;-)
Pilgrim Church in Southborough. A small (and totally unrelated!) point of interest it was the site of a movie filming at one point
RESOURCES/ACTIONS:
Some simple practices I try to do daily include one or more of the following:
Getting outside and really pausing to look at the trees, the sky, an animal, the sky, the stars, the moon, a flower or a plant. It can be so easy to walk by these complex things and taking a moment to reflect and appreciate the miracle that brought them into our moment is powerful.
Stop and breathe fully, even if only for a few moments. Sometimes a guided mediation can be helpful (try Mindful in Minutes, the Chopra App, Calm, or Hay House - you may have to weed through a bunch before you find something that resonates with you). I stalled on doing actual meditations for literally decades and it's still a work in progress, but it's such a grounding way to start the day
Exercise for exercise's sake. I love getting out for a walk, a run, a bike ride, doing yoga, stretching or taking a hike. Not because I'm great at any of it at this point in my life, but because it is joyful to make time to be in the moment and just feel the miracle of your body working (even when it has limitations, pain or challenges!). There are times when it was frustrating (i.e. dealing with plantar fascitis, needing PT to walk after childbirth), but starting where you are, doing what you can and focusing on what you can do is often empowering
Focusing on some of the good in the world. There is, as there always has been, an abundance of both inspirational/wonderful and horrific/terrible things that do, and always have happened on earth, involving humans. Reading about others' life stories, work to change the world, history and where we've learned from our mistakes. The perspective is invaluable and incredibly beneficial for me to keep from getting mired in a tough moment.
I'll note also that one could look at the above and think: "who has time for that?" I've learned that I will never "have" time for it. I have to make a concerted effort to prioritize, steal a few minutes here and there, pause throughout the day. At the time of this writing, I'm working in a demanding job, have two small children, a partner who I like spending time with, and am taking graduate classes. I cope by getting up at 4:45am and going to bed early (9-10ish). And even that doesn't always work out (my kids have a knack for waking up around 5/5:30am right now - it would be much easier if they got the memo to sleep until 6:30am when I'm ready for them!), but even if I can get a few minutes before they wake up, or while I'm at the playground, or stop at the fridge and breathe while I'm grabbing a glass of water, it adds up and makes a difference.
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