I was one of those naive (and privileged) people who believed growing up that marriage was the union of two people in love for life. I remember being appalled when, in my late teens, a friend's mom told her that she would have left her father years ago, but she was afraid to leave their nice house and live in a trailer with two kids, because that was all she could afford without him. In my head, I thought "people do that?? stay for the money?" And this was a man who had once, in an attempt to be 'funny' commented on my (lack of) chest size in front of his family which I found mortifying on so many levels. It made me wonder what else people put up with in order to follow the programming that we're taught around how families should look and be on the surface. In the years since, I've, of course, realized just how complicated relationships can be and how varied people's experiences are as well as how wonderful and amazing and horrible and terrifying people's relationship experiences can be.
So the funny thing about getting divorced, is that for many people going through a breakup or a divorce, it can feel like something is wrong with them. When it was me, I was thinking "Why me? Why does this work out for everyone else and not for me?" Once I recovered from my pity party, I started to realize that it doesn't actually work for "everyone else" and I started to reflect on what we view as "normal" and the expectations that society imposes on what people "should" do with our lives. I realized that the idea that everything worked out "happily ever after" for everyone else was not grounded in reality. Bear with me as I do some rough math here:
Somewhere between 1 in 3 and 1 in 4 people never get married
Of those who get married, roughly half of those marriages end in divorce
A majority of the couples staying married are quite short of the epitome of a fairy tale marriage grounded in love, joy, and healthy communication. Cheating (up to 40% impacted), control issues or emotional abuse (half), codependence, unhealthy communications, abuse (1 in 5 couples experience this), are prevalent and not widely acknowledged or recognized, not to mention that substance use disorder can have a huge impact on a good percentage of relationships as well. For those who are burdened with these challenges either with themselves, their partners or both of them, it is hard to get the right level of help to transcend these issues or have the strength and resources to leave when or if it enters into dangerous territory. Not surprisingly, when children are brought into the picture, these challenges can become multigenerational
LGBTQ+ couples have not been legally acknowledged as the "norm" until very recent history. That historical lack of acceptance impacts 5-15% of the population, and even though it's legal, widespread judgments still unfortunately surface with regularity and not enough of society accepts love in all it's forms as 'normal.'
The point of all this is to say that the fairy tale of that perfect story that we're sold as how things 'should' work with a "perfect" healthy heterosexual marriage and 1.9 children, only works out in that way for somewhere between 5 and 15% of the population. Let that sink in for a minute. For 85 to 95% of the population, that standard program of how things "should" work does not apply. While some have always had no problem choosing their own paths no matter what others think they should do, for others who aren't on The Program (aka societal expectations) and don't meet the standard that we've been sold in the US, they can be shunned, shamed, judged by family, judged by their religion, rejected by those who profess to love them, excluded from social circles and events, subject to hate crimes or feel forced to put on a show of appearances to meet an arbitrary standard grounded in myth.
Times are always changing and culture evolves over time. Even though the divorce rate has recently hit a 10 year low, the marriage rate among younger generations has also declined, yet it is spiking among those over 50. The reason for divorces being initiated vary quite widely, and interestingly most divorces are initiated by women (various studies show between 60 and 80%). Household structures and makeups have changed over the decades with or without marriage and thankfully outdated terms for single people and the LGBTQ+ community have evolved in a positive way. It has become less taboo and blasphemous over time in many circles to be "non-traditional" but it is still met with judgment rather than seen as an act of courage and strength.
It is time for us to accept that it is not the people that do not meet the norms that should change, it is the norm that needs to change. Our society has sold us a story that is presented as the one right way, but is only occassionally true. The expectation is grounded in a belief that there is a uniform path to follow and that a social structure is the gold standard of that singular way it should look. The reality is that the social standard often causes people to put up with abuse, to emotionally wither, to hide parts of themselves in order to maintain this social order.
None of this diminishes the fact that there ARE wonderful, beautiful, healthy marriages out there, and that is OK too. It's beyond OK. It's great when it works out. It can create and support beautiful lives and families and parts of society. I happen to know a good number of people who are in excellent marriages are models of how great it can be and I support traditional marriage for those who choose it authentically and do well with it. And, just as importantly: there is nothing wrong with you if the societally prescribed program doesn't work neatly for you the way that it does for a minority of people. It's OK to choose be single, it's OK to leave a marriage that doesn't work, it's OK to be in a relationship that doesn't lead to marriage or children. It's OK to dream of being married in the future and it's OK if it doesn't happen or if your marriage doesn't fit a standard that works for you. I've joked with some of my happily married friends and coworkers that I'm not the weird one, they're the strange ones with their great first and only long term marriages. But the reality is that there is no "normal" because what we were taught to be normal is actually quite uncommon.
This applies with not only singlehood, coupledom, marriage and divorce, but "The Program" or societal norms are they are currently written goes far beyond marriage into childbearing and rearing, death and many other aspects of our lives (more on that later). We have a long way to go as a society to make the widespread acceptance of people's unique journeys a reality. And I dream of a day where we not only accept it, but we celebrate each person's unique path and choices and right to live in alignment with their truth and their best selves. The first step is to continue to chip away at beliefs that no longer serve people in society. It's OK to be yourself, to live in a way that works for you and to choose your own path no matter what that is and no matter what shape your relationships do or do not take.
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