When a wise older woman said those words to me I sat stunned for a minute. Thoughts ran through my mind: "wait! what? but... huh?" My reflex was to argue and defend my Important Beliefs, as I thought they were. But I sat and reflected. And continued to reflect for weeks thereafter.
The context is that I was struggling on the decision to move forward with a divorce. It was hard to figure out which end was up in that phase of my life as the foundations I had fought so hard to build, as it turns out, were built on shifting sands.
So what were my beliefs at the time?
I married for life. I made a commitment and I need to see it through
We wanted a lot of the same things out of life and that we would have children together, raise a great family and have a nice life together
I should try harder, take a different approach, give more
If only we could do x, or if y would happen, then maybe we could get through this
That we had it pretty good and I needed to focus more on being grateful for what I had
I loved him and we had a good foundation and could work it out
When I dug deeper, I tried to really listen to the thoughts and feelings were popping into my mind, heart and soul as I clung to these beliefs. And I tried to figure out why they were so important to me, where the true "me" was and what was others or societal expectations driving my choices.
Over time, I realized the truth:
It was not working and I was walking on eggshells to get through my daily life
One of us would have to be something we were not in order for the relationship to work
I wasn't accepting him for who he really was and was instead in love with the idea of him and the potential for what I thought he could be
If we had children, I'd have no real control over his influence on them and there was a 50% probability that they'd end up with the very traits I feared in him
We weren't bringing out the best in each other
I was avoiding conflict and eating to stuff my emotions
The life I was trying to build in the suburbs didn't feel like me and I felt consumed by "should's" I did have a lot to be grateful for, but it didn't mean I had to stay the course to prove I understood that.
And yet it still took me a while to be able to choke the word "divorce" out of my throat. And when I finally did, it hung in the air, motionless and terrifyingly conspicuously. My fear screamed at me to take it back. My soul begged me to leave it there and sit with the unbearable silence in order to create a window for me to leave.
For months we continued to try to make it work in the best way we knew how. And for 6 months after that I lived in the basement, trying to prove to him that I meant no harm and that I wanted us to both be free to live the life we're meant to lead. I desperately wanted his family to understand that I was a good person and loved them and didn't want to lose them. But I couldn't stay for them. And the longer I stayed, I realized the more it wasn't helping either of us, and his behavior got increasingly scary. We both needed to be free from each other.
Despite this realization and acceptance, it was still one of the hardest things I've ever done. Releasing the grip on everything I believed about the rest of my life and accepting the reality that everything was about to change. I had absolutely no idea what was ahead now and no real control about how it would unfold. I accepted that leaving my marriage at age 31 probably meant that having children was off the table. And maybe I'd be on my own forever. As hard as my fears and truth was to face, I'd rather live by a reality that is in alignment with the truth, even if it's scary to face and filled with unknowns and uncertainty.
So why do I share this? It's because beliefs are powerful. People can live a lifetime clinging to them. They can be created by repetition, by information coming at you, by misinformation coming at you or people telling you things that you don't have reason to dispute. They can be based in fear and they can be based in reality, or in neither or both. Beliefs are what drive behavior and often times identity, regardless of their alignment (or lack thereof) with truth.
The distinction between belief and truth is a skill I've been working on in the 15 years since I first had those epiphanies. And despite my awareness, I still often check myself and ask why do I believe this? What is it grounded in? Do I have any fear motivating me? If so, what am I afraid of? What do I need to let go of? Where did this information come from? If it's research, what research? Who funded it? Where did I find it? What's another perspective on this I should consider? What is most equitable for the humans in this situation? Is this in alignment with the greatest good? Is my ego/saving face a factor, and, if so, how might I face an alternative? Why do I believe what I do? It's still a work in progress to discern, but as my skill set grows, it gets easier and clearer over time.
We're living in an era where we need individual and collective truth more than ever and it takes work to discern fact from fiction. And yet, I'm optimistic about the generations coming behind mine as they often pride themselves in their individuality and accept other people for who they are, rather than expecting them to fit a mold based in societal rules. One of the most important things we can do is to be our true selves and to give the world the best of who we are. It doesn't mean it's always the easiest (and some people are more natural at it than others). As more information, including truth, lies and beliefs fly in our face, may we all have the skill and the courage and be willing to do the work to discern and face our truth, even when they conflict with our beliefs, and live authentically.
RESOURCES - while this post refers to way more than just divorce, for those who are pondering similar beliefs and truths, here are some divorce related and other general resources:
Around this time, I read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It is one of the most annoying and impactful books I've put into practice. Annoying because I found it repetitive and kept thinking to myself "I know this" or "He already said that but in a different way" but when I held myself accountable as to whether I actually DO this, I realized that I hadn't implemented it. I spent the next 5 years actively practicing and holding myself to doing it and it helped me to rewrite the scripts in my head and to truly live in the now as much as possible. I'm thankful I invested the time into the book and the practice
I'm sure there are many newer books available, but when I went through my divorce, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert had just come out and I appreciated it deeply at the time.
The Divorce Gap - article
Living authentically/introspection:
Untamed is Glennon Doyle's latest book and it's a quick, compelling read. I also do love her Instagram. She has a fascinating backstory that involves a lot of facing her truth versus her beliefs and a website
As of this writing, over 52 million people have watched Brene Brown's TED talk on vulnerability. She also has 2 podcasts that are worthy of your time and a lot of books that she has written.
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